I have finally finished school and can actually do things again. The last couple of months have been busy. Jason's sister moved to Idaho and for about three weeks her, her husband, and her two kids stayed with us. It was nice that they were able to stay with us and that we got to spend time with them before they moved. Having the two kids here made me admire mothers who go to school, because I saw a little bit how hard it is to do homework with kids around. I don't mean that kids are pests, but that they need attention and you can't ignore their needs. A few weeks after they left it was Thanksgiving which was a nice day, but the next day we got a call that my grandfather had fallen, hit his head and was not going to make it. Unfortunately I had the flu and I could not go to the hospital to see him before he passed away. Not being able to say goodbye to my grandfather was hard, but his funeral was beautiful. The speakers talked about how wonderful it was that we had the gospel and that we knew about eternal families, and that we could see my grandfather again. That is such a comfort when things happen and when we lose people that we love
After my grandfather's death I had just a couple of weeks to get ready for finals and everything was such a blur. Thankfully I lived through it and was able to get A's in all of my classes which was a relief to me. I think that I have have decided to go to grad school and I was really stressing about my grades because I wanted them to be as good as possible when I apply for schools. If I decide to not go to grad school I want it to be my decision not because my grades are not good enough. So I put a lot of pressure on myself, but it all paid off in the end.
So now that school it over I need to start studying for the GRE. I am not sure what else I am going to do. I might do some volunteer work or something like that. I guess Jason and I can also decide what we want to do about our adoption plans. We still don't know what to do. We are licensed through foster care, but are feeling reluctant to take the leap and tell them that we are willing to have a child placed in our home. We are afraid of getting hurt again. I also have doubts that we will adopt through LDSFS. I saw a blog today of a couple who was approved in September and was picked by December. So after three months they got picked and we have been on there for three years with noone being interested in us. I just think that there must be something about us that people don't like and I don't really know what it is. But whatever it is, I just don't think that we will be chosen. Three years is a long time for noone to be interested. So we have to decide if we are willing to put ourselves out there to get hurt again or if it is time to say enough is enough and move on. So I guess with my free time I can decide what I think we should do. I am sure we will figure out the best thing, even if it is not what we had always envisioned.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Graduation
I am not going to lie, lately I have been really good at feeling sorry for myself and throwing little pity parties for myself. However on Thursday I got a little pick me up, that made me feel better. I met with the advisor for the Political Science department to get signed off for graduation. I plan on graduating in the spring and the deadline to apply is coming up. I could technically graduate after this semester, but I missed the deadline because we were planning on other things happening. Well I am all set to graduate and she signed my paper and now I just need to find out if I can declare a minor before graduation. As I was walking to my car I started to get giddy that I was going to graduate. I think lately it has been so easy for me to focus on everything that I have not been able to accomplish, I have forgotten to look at what I have been able to accomplish. Now granted I am kind of old to be graduating, but dang it I guess better late than never. I at least went back to school, worked hard to get my gpa back up and passed my classes. So even though things have not worked out the way I always envisions, I can still be proud of accomplishing a goal that has been important to me since I was a little girl. I still not know what I am going to do after graduation and I wish I could see into the future so I could know what to do next, but at least I am one step closer to being where I want to be in life. I am just grateful that I have Jason who is so supportive of me. I know that whatever I decide to do he will support me and root me on.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Failed
So I have not written anything lately, to be honest I have not really felt like it or wanted to, but I guess now is a good time to kind of explain what has happened over the last nine months. This is going to be a long post, just a warning to anyone who does not want to read something long. So last December Jason and I got a call that a family member of ours had a child in another state that was in foster care. The boy, Z, had been in foster care for awhile and they were looking for family members that he could be placed with. We were not sure because it was not really the situation that we thought we would be comfortable with. Z was already 18 months and we had always thought that we would adopt an infant, at least for our first child. We prayed about it and felt okay about it and when I talked to the caseworker and heard how he had been in foster care pretty much his entire life I was sure that he was suppose to come into our family. After telling the caseworker that we were interested to have him placed with us, it was another 3 weeks before we heard anything. In fact the first couple of months we barely heard anything and everything dragged on really slow.
Finally after a couple of months we finally got information sent into the foster care office to start the homestudy process. During that time we also found out that Z's foster parents were contesting us getting him by questioning whether he was really our relative. I talked to the caseworker about getting someone tested, but she said we did not need to because the state that he was living in viewed my relative to be the father so we were related, even without the test. So we went along with that because we did not know the law in that state and figured the caseworker knew best.
Well we waited another month to finally get the paperwork from Utah foster care, because it took so long for the caseworker to send the request. We then worked super hard to get everything done as soon as possible. If anyone who reads this is familiar with getting registered with foster care knows how difficult it is and really how maddening it is. The other problem for me was that I had to get through the foster care classes and they fell right when I had class and it was the last month of the semester. But we had to get the done because the caseworker was really pushing us to get it done as soon as possible because the foster parents were having such a hard time. In fact we felt like the caseworker would rather we give up and make her life less complicated. Because of this I skipped class to go to the foster care classes and I got all 8 done in the month. But we did get to see pictures of Z and he looked so much like my family we were positive that he was our relative. We also hoped that my relative would go in and ask for a DNA test so we could prove it.
While doing the classes we realized that our deck around the pool was collapsing. We were hoping we could just lock the gate and work on it later, but the licensor said that we had to finish it to get licenced. My dad and brother started working on it every day and we had other friends and family help out for the next month and a half to get it done. We were so grateful to everyone. In addition to that we had to put locks on the closets, put babygates at the stairs and sunroom, and all the other nit picky things that they require. The hardest thing was that we had to get the nursery all set up with a crib and everything. We wanted to make sure that that it looked like we were ready so we bought toys and clothes. We also had to buy a carseat.
Right before our homestudy and while I was going through finals we found out that the foster family had succeeded in getting a hearing in court to decide if we were related to Z. This was a shock to us because we had not been told they had a court date and the hearing was already over. So we just had to wait to see what the judge ruled. We finally passed our home study after the deck was done and our paperwork was sent to the other state and so we just had to wait for the judge. Finally after three weeks we found out that the judge ruled that my relative could not have his paternity revoked, but that the judge did not think that he was the dad. So we had to have a paternity test in order for us to have him placed in our home, because the judge that made the ruling was the judge that would rule whether he could come here.
So all we could do was wait and see if my relative would get tested or if another relative could get tested to prove he was a relative. After a couple of weeks of me sitting around worrying I finally got up the nerve to call the caseworker, who of course did not answer, but she called me back later. The jist of the conversation was that the state had decided that he was not going to be placed with us and that they were going to pursue him staying with his foster family. To say I was devestated is an understatement. We really felt that he was going to come to our home. I can't explain what it felt like to see a child and feel they are ment to be your child and then they arn't.
So for about a month I felt horrible and tired to deal with the lose. Right as I was feeling that I was starting to feel like myself again, I got another call from the caseworker. To say I was surprised was an understatement. She said that they had talked to their lawyers and we were still considered relatives and they were going to pursue placement with us. But Z's lawyer was going to fight it in court and it would be long and drawn out. I was so angry. I could not believe that we were getting dragged into this again after everything that we had been through. Jason and I talked about it and felt that we should keep pursuing it. We did not feel that he would come to our home but we wanted the judge to decide. That way we knew we did everything that we could do and we could not look back and think what if.
We now had a new caseworker, and she agreed with the other one that there was really not much chance we would get him and that it would take awhile So I started school, a really hard semester so that I could finish, and we just lived our lives. Well like a month later I got a call from the caseworker saying that Z was in the hospital and it did not look good and that it was probably a serious disease. We waited for test results and just this week we found out what he has. Before then Jason and I talked about what to do. We felt that we could not justify fighting to have him in our home when he was so sick and most likely would have to deal with his disease for a long time. It was also unfair to him foster family who was going through so much with him, to take him from him. I can't really say what his disease is because it is confidential, but we felt that moving him here would be detrimental to his health. We could not do that, we had to think about what was best for him, and that would not be it. So we told the caseworker that we would back off and let his foster family adopt him.
So now I am dealing with losing him all over again, but in a different way because this time we made the decision. I know it was the right thing to do but I can't help but feel that by us saying he should stay where he is that we were saying that we did not want him. Which is not true. We love him very much. We feel he is a part of our family and that does not go away. I don't know how to explain how we started to love a child we had never met and how hard it is right now that we don't get to raise him. I actually can not even verbalize how I feel right now.
So this is the abridged version of what happened. I don't know what we are going to do right now. I frankly don't know what to think about adoption or foster care right now and what we should do next. I just want to focus on getting through school and hopefully after I finish I will be able to think more clearly and maybe know what I need to do. But I thought I should write about it just so people knew what was going on and why I might seem pissy or overly emotional.
Finally after a couple of months we finally got information sent into the foster care office to start the homestudy process. During that time we also found out that Z's foster parents were contesting us getting him by questioning whether he was really our relative. I talked to the caseworker about getting someone tested, but she said we did not need to because the state that he was living in viewed my relative to be the father so we were related, even without the test. So we went along with that because we did not know the law in that state and figured the caseworker knew best.
Well we waited another month to finally get the paperwork from Utah foster care, because it took so long for the caseworker to send the request. We then worked super hard to get everything done as soon as possible. If anyone who reads this is familiar with getting registered with foster care knows how difficult it is and really how maddening it is. The other problem for me was that I had to get through the foster care classes and they fell right when I had class and it was the last month of the semester. But we had to get the done because the caseworker was really pushing us to get it done as soon as possible because the foster parents were having such a hard time. In fact we felt like the caseworker would rather we give up and make her life less complicated. Because of this I skipped class to go to the foster care classes and I got all 8 done in the month. But we did get to see pictures of Z and he looked so much like my family we were positive that he was our relative. We also hoped that my relative would go in and ask for a DNA test so we could prove it.
While doing the classes we realized that our deck around the pool was collapsing. We were hoping we could just lock the gate and work on it later, but the licensor said that we had to finish it to get licenced. My dad and brother started working on it every day and we had other friends and family help out for the next month and a half to get it done. We were so grateful to everyone. In addition to that we had to put locks on the closets, put babygates at the stairs and sunroom, and all the other nit picky things that they require. The hardest thing was that we had to get the nursery all set up with a crib and everything. We wanted to make sure that that it looked like we were ready so we bought toys and clothes. We also had to buy a carseat.
Right before our homestudy and while I was going through finals we found out that the foster family had succeeded in getting a hearing in court to decide if we were related to Z. This was a shock to us because we had not been told they had a court date and the hearing was already over. So we just had to wait to see what the judge ruled. We finally passed our home study after the deck was done and our paperwork was sent to the other state and so we just had to wait for the judge. Finally after three weeks we found out that the judge ruled that my relative could not have his paternity revoked, but that the judge did not think that he was the dad. So we had to have a paternity test in order for us to have him placed in our home, because the judge that made the ruling was the judge that would rule whether he could come here.
So all we could do was wait and see if my relative would get tested or if another relative could get tested to prove he was a relative. After a couple of weeks of me sitting around worrying I finally got up the nerve to call the caseworker, who of course did not answer, but she called me back later. The jist of the conversation was that the state had decided that he was not going to be placed with us and that they were going to pursue him staying with his foster family. To say I was devestated is an understatement. We really felt that he was going to come to our home. I can't explain what it felt like to see a child and feel they are ment to be your child and then they arn't.
So for about a month I felt horrible and tired to deal with the lose. Right as I was feeling that I was starting to feel like myself again, I got another call from the caseworker. To say I was surprised was an understatement. She said that they had talked to their lawyers and we were still considered relatives and they were going to pursue placement with us. But Z's lawyer was going to fight it in court and it would be long and drawn out. I was so angry. I could not believe that we were getting dragged into this again after everything that we had been through. Jason and I talked about it and felt that we should keep pursuing it. We did not feel that he would come to our home but we wanted the judge to decide. That way we knew we did everything that we could do and we could not look back and think what if.
We now had a new caseworker, and she agreed with the other one that there was really not much chance we would get him and that it would take awhile So I started school, a really hard semester so that I could finish, and we just lived our lives. Well like a month later I got a call from the caseworker saying that Z was in the hospital and it did not look good and that it was probably a serious disease. We waited for test results and just this week we found out what he has. Before then Jason and I talked about what to do. We felt that we could not justify fighting to have him in our home when he was so sick and most likely would have to deal with his disease for a long time. It was also unfair to him foster family who was going through so much with him, to take him from him. I can't really say what his disease is because it is confidential, but we felt that moving him here would be detrimental to his health. We could not do that, we had to think about what was best for him, and that would not be it. So we told the caseworker that we would back off and let his foster family adopt him.
So now I am dealing with losing him all over again, but in a different way because this time we made the decision. I know it was the right thing to do but I can't help but feel that by us saying he should stay where he is that we were saying that we did not want him. Which is not true. We love him very much. We feel he is a part of our family and that does not go away. I don't know how to explain how we started to love a child we had never met and how hard it is right now that we don't get to raise him. I actually can not even verbalize how I feel right now.
So this is the abridged version of what happened. I don't know what we are going to do right now. I frankly don't know what to think about adoption or foster care right now and what we should do next. I just want to focus on getting through school and hopefully after I finish I will be able to think more clearly and maybe know what I need to do. But I thought I should write about it just so people knew what was going on and why I might seem pissy or overly emotional.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Hello 30, Good bye 25
Tomorrow I turn 30 and I can't help but think of the Friends episode where they all turn thirty and Joey keeps saying, "Why God, why?". I sort of feel the same way, how on earth am I this old. I also feel like I have not really done most of the things that I wanted to and some of them I am glad I did not do. Well time to go run a triathlon before I turn 30 (it is from Scrubs). Well at least I am spending the day getting pampered with the gift card Jason got me for Christmas. Also I am 25 pounds lighter than I was at the begining of the year. I am pretty happy with my weight lose so far. I am hoping to lose another 20 pounds. After that I can eat sweets again. Well other than my birthday we have not had a lot going on. I have been trying to keep the weeds at bay in my yard and I finally have some peas. I also found a little tomato on one of my plants which made me happy.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Surprise Birthday Date
About a week and a half ago Jason told me that he had a surprise date planned while he was on vacation and he wanted me to go pick up a new outfit for it. I was so excited because I love surprises like this and Jason does not plan big dates like this often so I knew it was going to be good. So I got a new outfit and the 2nd got here. I gott all ready and Jason had to go pick up my dad at work because he had to take his car into the shop and borrow our car. While I was waiting for him to come back the doorbell rang and it was Tyler and Julia. So our date was a double date and I was happy I was hoping it was. I knew Julia had a surprise date in June too so I was hoping they were together. We waited for Jason to get here and when he did the men took us to the Olive Garden for dinner. It was good and fun to talk.
After dinner we came back to our house, which I thought was weird because I thought we would just go to the next part of our date. The doorbell rang again and this time in the glass of the door I could see a limo. I could not believe that they rented one. Julia was so excited. In fact we were all so excited that I forgot to blow the candle out that I had lite. So in the limo I had to call my dad to see if he would stop by and blow out the candle so that we would not burn down the house. In the limo they had sparkling apple cider and the ride was fun. They took us to Capital Theater to see Les Miserables. I was so excited because that is what I hoped our date would be.
So the show started and it was really good but about 20 minutes into it they show had technical difficulties and so we were just waiting. I started to worry what would happen when we were out with the limo. So finally Jason had to tell me that he had dropped the car off to take us home. I did not believe him at first, because my dad had the car. I found our it was all a trick. We teased Tyler and Jason for their "web of lies". The show started again and it was really good I am so glad that we got to go.
When I got to the car Jason had a teddy bear and carmels in the car for me. It was so sweet and the best surprise birthday date ever. It was so nice for Tyler and Jason to plan such a special night and work so hard for months to put it all together. Julia and I are so lucky to have such wonderful husbands.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I know I am a slacker
Hey everyone if anyone still reads my blog. I have had a really busy last couple of months with school and a lot of other stuff going on in our lives. Our deck started to collapse after the winter and it has been a chore getting it rebuilt. Luckily we are so blessed to have wonderful family and friends who helped us work on it. We can never thank them enough and today it finally was finished. 
Here are the before and after pictures. Ugly deck on the top, pretty deck on the bottom. I am so glad that it is done and that this deck is so much better than our other one. When we tore up the deck we found out that they had used untreated wood under the deck so it was all rotted. We are grateful no one hurt themselves on the old deck. The new one is made of treated wood and Treks which should last forever. Eventually we will have to replace the fence. Apparently they did not believe in levels.
In non-deck news my semester went better than I suspected. I have to say this was my hardest semester with classes and all the unexpected things that happened this semester. I had five papers due within a month of each other one being 15 pages another over 20 pages. It was just really stressful. Fortunatly I did well enough to stay on the Dean's List. In addition I got my 23 page paper back and my teacher thinks that it is good enough to submit to the student journal at the U. I am thinking that maybe I will submit it. My dad says that the worst that could happen is that they say no to publishing it. I need to fix some things and maybe do some more research but I think that I will try.
Well I am looking forward to the rest of my summer with no school and my next semester will be easier with only three classes. And I can catch up with all the things that I wanted to do during school including talking to people. Hopefully no one has taken my inattention personally. Between school, the deck, and other stuff going on I have a hard time remembering my name sometimes.
Friday, April 1, 2011
New Roses
So after the winter I found that three of my rose bushes had died. I was sad because one of them was a really pretty one that smelled really good. So I am going to replace two of them and I have to decide what colors I want. So I am asking for your opinion. The ones that survived are lavender, a dark red, yellow, and orange. I lost the yellow, white and a multi-colored one. I am thinking about maybe getting multi-colored ones. So if you have an opinion let me know. I am also thinking about tearing out my laurel bushes that did not do well this winter and putting in butterfly bushes. We will have to see if I do or not.
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