Failed

So I have not written anything lately, to be honest I have not really felt like it or wanted to, but I guess now is a good time to kind of explain what has happened over the last nine months. This is going to be a long post, just a warning to anyone who does not want to read something long. So last December Jason and I got a call that a family member of ours had a child in another state that was in foster care. The boy, Z, had been in foster care for awhile and they were looking for family members that he could be placed with. We were not sure because it was not really the situation that we thought we would be comfortable with. Z was already 18 months and we had always thought that we would adopt an infant, at least for our first child. We prayed about it and felt okay about it and when I talked to the caseworker and heard how he had been in foster care pretty much his entire life I was sure that he was suppose to come into our family. After telling the caseworker that we were interested to have him placed with us, it was another 3 weeks before we heard anything. In fact the first couple of months we barely heard anything and everything dragged on really slow.
Finally after a couple of months we finally got information sent into the foster care office to start the homestudy process. During that time we also found out that Z's foster parents were contesting us getting him by questioning whether he was really our relative. I talked to the caseworker about getting someone tested, but she said we did not need to because the state that he was living in viewed my relative to be the father so we were related, even without the test. So we went along with that because we did not know the law in that state and figured the caseworker knew best.
Well we waited another month to finally get the paperwork from Utah foster care, because it took so long for the caseworker to send the request. We then worked super hard to get everything done as soon as possible. If anyone who reads this is familiar with getting registered with foster care knows how difficult it is and really how maddening it is. The other problem for me was that I had to get through the foster care classes and they fell right when I had class and it was the last month of the semester. But we had to get the done because the caseworker was really pushing us to get it done as soon as possible because the foster parents were having such a hard time. In fact we felt like the caseworker would rather we give up and make her life less complicated. Because of this I skipped class to go to the foster care classes and I got all 8 done in the month. But we did get to see pictures of Z and he looked so much like my family we were positive that he was our relative. We also hoped that my relative would go in and ask for a DNA test so we could prove it.
While doing the classes we realized that our deck around the pool was collapsing. We were hoping we could just lock the gate and work on it later, but the licensor said that we had to finish it to get licenced. My dad and brother started working on it every day and we had other friends and family help out for the next month and a half to get it done. We were so grateful to everyone. In addition to that we had to put locks on the closets, put babygates at the stairs and sunroom, and all the other nit picky things that they require. The hardest thing was that we had to get the nursery all set up with a crib and everything. We wanted to make sure that that it looked like we were ready so we bought toys and clothes. We also had to buy a carseat.
Right before our homestudy and while I was going through finals we found out that the foster family had succeeded in getting a hearing in court to decide if we were related to Z. This was a shock to us because we had not been told they had a court date and the hearing was already over. So we just had to wait to see what the judge ruled. We finally passed our home study after the deck was done and our paperwork was sent to the other state and so we just had to wait for the judge. Finally after three weeks we found out that the judge ruled that my relative could not have his paternity revoked, but that the judge did not think that he was the dad. So we had to have a paternity test in order for us to have him placed in our home, because the judge that made the ruling was the judge that would rule whether he could come here.
So all we could do was wait and see if my relative would get tested or if another relative could get tested to prove he was a relative. After a couple of weeks of me sitting around worrying I finally got up the nerve to call the caseworker, who of course did not answer, but she called me back later. The jist of the conversation was that the state had decided that he was not going to be placed with us and that they were going to pursue him staying with his foster family. To say I was devestated is an understatement. We really felt that he was going to come to our home. I can't explain what it felt like to see a child and feel they are ment to be your child and then they arn't.
So for about a month I felt horrible and tired to deal with the lose. Right as I was feeling that I was starting to feel like myself again, I got another call from the caseworker. To say I was surprised was an understatement. She said that they had talked to their lawyers and we were still considered relatives and they were going to pursue placement with us. But Z's lawyer was going to fight it in court and it would be long and drawn out. I was so angry. I could not believe that we were getting dragged into this again after everything that we had been through. Jason and I talked about it and felt that we should keep pursuing it. We did not feel that he would come to our home but we wanted the judge to decide. That way we knew we did everything that we could do and we could not look back and think what if.
We now had a new caseworker, and she agreed with the other one that there was really not much chance we would get him and that it would take awhile So I started school, a really hard semester so that I could finish, and we just lived our lives. Well like a month later I got a call from the caseworker saying that Z was in the hospital and it did not look good and that it was probably a serious disease. We waited for test results and just this week we found out what he has. Before then Jason and I talked about what to do. We felt that we could not justify fighting to have him in our home when he was so sick and most likely would have to deal with his disease for a long time. It was also unfair to him foster family who was going through so much with him, to take him from him. I can't really say what his disease is because it is confidential, but we felt that moving him here would be detrimental to his health. We could not do that, we had to think about what was best for him, and that would not be it. So we told the caseworker that we would back off and let his foster family adopt him.
So now I am dealing with losing him all over again, but in a different way because this time we made the decision. I know it was the right thing to do but I can't help but feel that by us saying he should stay where he is that we were saying that we did not want him. Which is not true. We love him very much. We feel he is a part of our family and that does not go away. I don't know how to explain how we started to love a child we had never met and how hard it is right now that we don't get to raise him. I actually can not even verbalize how I feel right now.
So this is the abridged version of what happened. I don't know what we are going to do right now. I frankly don't know what to think about adoption or foster care right now and what we should do next. I just want to focus on getting through school and hopefully after I finish I will be able to think more clearly and maybe know what I need to do. But I thought I should write about it just so people knew what was going on and why I might seem pissy or overly emotional.