November

I can't believe that next week is Thanksgiving. I am not sure where October went, but I would kind of like it back. I have one more month left in school. Which means my Thanksgiving break will consist of me working on two papers and trying to catch up on all of my reading. I will be putting up my Christmas trees, because I am not going Black Friday shopping. I know pigs are not flying, it is just that I am too busy this year. We decided to not to a sub for Santa because it takes too much time, and I need to focus on school. Instead of buying a lot of presents this year we are doing something else for our Christmas tradition. So I don't really have to go stand in the cold at 3 in the morning this year to get pushed in the back by someone trying to run to get the last $3 movie, even though it is a crappy one.
I have also decided to start early on my New Years Resolution. I have decided to make a better me. My first thing was to stop drinking Pepsi. I have been successful at that although whenever I see one I really want it. I still drink some pop but not every day. I took another step this week. I am not sure if other people will see it as being better, but I guess I do. I have stopped looking at adoption blogs. I noticed the more I read them the more negative I was becoming, because they are negative. When I first started to read them it was so I could learn more about what it was like for birthmothers. I wanted to become more educated so if we adopt I could be more prepared. In some ways the blogs have been helpful. I feel I have more empathy towards birthmothers, I am more open to an open adoption, and I feel like my perspective on adoption is different in a good way mostly. But lately it seems like everything I read is negative and it has made me question our decision to try and adopt and also question who I am. I read things like all adoptive couples are selfish and horrible. They are just trying to take babies from people. If God really wanted them to be parents they would be able to get pregnant. They all lie to get what they want. Reading those things made me feel bad about myself. Sure they are not talking about me personally, they don't know me. But it is hard not to take it personally because Jason and I are trying to adopt. I would go to bed thinking about what I had read, wondering if by adopting someday we will be ruining people's lives. Finally this week after reading a particularly scathing blog about adoption I decided that was enough. I could not do this to myself anymore. I deleted all the blogs that I followed off of my list and out of my history.
I guess some people could say that I am just trying to ignore the negative and look through the world with rose colored glasses. I look at it as taking something toxic out of my life. There are a few good blogs, but on the whole I found that even the good ones have links to negative ones. Birthmoms trashing other birthmoms, adoptive couples trashing birthmoms, and birthmoms trashing adoptive couples. People seem more content to tear down others than to help and understand. I know there are bad things in adoption. There are adoptive couple that lie, they say that they are more open than they are. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. Lying is never acceptable in adoption or in most circumstances. Some couples don't care about how ethical their adoption is. Jason and I are not those people. We are trying to do what we feel is the right thing to do. We have prayed about this and feel like adoption is the route we are suppose to go. I don't know why I wish that I did. I wish I knew many things, but there is one thing that I do know and that is the kind of person I am and the kind of person Jason is. I don't need some stranger who is mad at everything to make me feel inferior or like a criminal when I am not one. I don't need to feel guilty for something that I did not do and will never do.
Sorry this is kind of long. I just felt I needed to get that out. It has been on my mind for about a month now. Well back to studying. I hope everyone has a very wonderful Thanksgiving.