This post is about a conversation that I had with a friend today. We were talking about some trials that she is having right now, namely that she is not married and does not have children. She is frustrated and questions why she has not found someone for her. I sort of understand her frustration we have talked about how her stuggles to get married are kind of similar to my struggles with infertility. She said something that upset me, which I have said many times, and got me thinking. She said that maybe why she had not had the blessing of marriage was because she was not worthy. This sounded familar to me, I have felt several times that the reason that I don't have children is because I must not be worthy. I thought about my wonderful friend, who is so kind and caring and was mad that she could possibly think that about herself. Of course she was worthy.
Then I thought about how I had pondered the question of my own worthiness and how many of my friends who have had infertility problems have said to me that maybe they were being punished. I came to this conclusion, some blessings are not dependent on worthiness. I don't know why my friend has not found a spouse yet, I don't know why Jason and I have not been blessed with a baby, and I don't know why other people I know struggle with infertility when they are wonderful parents or will make wonderful parents. If I had to quess it is just a trial that we have to go through. Everyone has different trials and infertility is mine. I don't understand why it is and I don't exactly know what I am suppose to learn from this experience.
I do know that eventually I will know and I can see some good things that have come from this experience. The main one being that I feel like I am more compassionate. Not saying I was a huge jerk before, but when someone told me that they were having some sort of problem I figured they needed to try harder or try something different. I don't feel that way anymore. Instead I can feel their pain and empathis because I have been there too. I am not perfect. When someone tells me how hard it is that they are not pregnant after 3 months, think to myself that they know nothing and that they are rude to complain to me.
I am not sure why I decided to write this. Maybe so someone will know that they aren't alone when it comes to feeling unworthy and they will understand that blessings are not coming to them based on worthiness, but instead on what Heavenly Father's plan is. It could be just for myself so that I can see how far I have come in the last couple of years when I felt like God was punishing me for something that I did wrong. Sure I still feel inadequate and thoughts of doubt still enter my mind. It is hard not to think somedays that I am just not meant to be a mother. But most of the time now I am able to see a little bit of a silver lining to my trials. I am not going to get up in fast and testimony meeting and proclaim how grateful I am for them. But I can see how they are shaping me as a person and I hope that if we do have children someday that my trial of infertility will make me a better mother.
On a lighter note. Last week someone asked me if my brother was my son. My brother is 21. I almost died. I don't look old enough to have a 21 year old. Then I felt super old. So far 29 has not been good to me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Mom Update
I thought I would give a quick update on my mom. Today she got to come home. It is so nice. It has been so stressful having her in the hospital. But luckily most of the problems that she had in the hospital have gone away and now she just needs to recover from the surgery that she had.
There is not much else going on. I have 5 more weeks of work and then school starts soon after that. I can't believe how fast it has gone.
Well that is all for right now. I am pretty tired, so I can't think of much to talk about.
There is not much else going on. I have 5 more weeks of work and then school starts soon after that. I can't believe how fast it has gone.
Well that is all for right now. I am pretty tired, so I can't think of much to talk about.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The worst weekend ever
This weekend was my birthday and I had a three day weekend I was looking forward too. Also this week my mom was having surgery. Nothing big just routine surgery. Tuesday was her surgery, she looked good afterwards. The next day she was having difficulties, but that was kind of normal. Thursday I got off of work early and called my dad. He said my mom had an infection and they were doing tests so I did not see her. Friday, my birthday, I spent lot of time with her. Her pulse was around 140 and she was not feeling well. But they said she was doing better then Thursday so I was optimistic that things would be okay. I left the hospital around 10:30. Just minutes after I left my mom's heart rate jumped up past 200 and her heart beat was irregular. Dad said they were working on her. I told him to keep me updated and I sat by my phone waiting for an update.
At 12:30 my dad called to tell me that they were life flighting my mom to the new hospital in Murray, the same one that my father-in-law died at. Her heart rate was stable but she was very sick and they were worried if she went by ambulance that her vitals could get worse during the drive. It would be an understatement to say that I was worried. I was devastated. I was sure something horrible was going to happen. They don't life flight people unless they are super sick. My dad told me to get some sleep but that was impossible. I cried and cried. I hung onto my phone waiting for a phone call from my dad. I was also afraid for a call wondering if it was the worst news that she had not made it. I have never been so afraid in my life. Finally around 4 I feel asleep due to exhaustion and slept for a little until my dad called me at 6:30. My mom was doing better they had her in the ICU. She was exhausted from not sleeping the last 3 days and they had gotten her to rest. Her vitals were doing better.
Jason and I were suppose to celebrate my birthday on Saturday, but we decided to postpone it until we could enjoy it. Throughout the day we got updates and she was making progress. My dad finally came home to sleep because he was exhausted. Today she is making more progress and is starting to feel a little better. Her heart rate is almost normal, but she still has an infection and will probably be in the ICU for a couple more days.
So that was my weekend, pretty much the worst weekend I have ever had. I am so grateful that my mom is starting to do better and we think that the worst is over. We are hoping that she can come home later this week. Last night I got more sleep, although I feel emotionally exhausted and the littlest thing makes me cry. I am so grateful to our wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive and been willing to help out.
At 12:30 my dad called to tell me that they were life flighting my mom to the new hospital in Murray, the same one that my father-in-law died at. Her heart rate was stable but she was very sick and they were worried if she went by ambulance that her vitals could get worse during the drive. It would be an understatement to say that I was worried. I was devastated. I was sure something horrible was going to happen. They don't life flight people unless they are super sick. My dad told me to get some sleep but that was impossible. I cried and cried. I hung onto my phone waiting for a phone call from my dad. I was also afraid for a call wondering if it was the worst news that she had not made it. I have never been so afraid in my life. Finally around 4 I feel asleep due to exhaustion and slept for a little until my dad called me at 6:30. My mom was doing better they had her in the ICU. She was exhausted from not sleeping the last 3 days and they had gotten her to rest. Her vitals were doing better.
Jason and I were suppose to celebrate my birthday on Saturday, but we decided to postpone it until we could enjoy it. Throughout the day we got updates and she was making progress. My dad finally came home to sleep because he was exhausted. Today she is making more progress and is starting to feel a little better. Her heart rate is almost normal, but she still has an infection and will probably be in the ICU for a couple more days.
So that was my weekend, pretty much the worst weekend I have ever had. I am so grateful that my mom is starting to do better and we think that the worst is over. We are hoping that she can come home later this week. Last night I got more sleep, although I feel emotionally exhausted and the littlest thing makes me cry. I am so grateful to our wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive and been willing to help out.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
An Uncomfortable Situation
Two posts from me in one day, isn't the blogging world lucky. I forgot to write about a very awkward situation that happened to me at work last week. News spread fast about my decision to quit. Most people asked why I was going. So I have told everyone that I am leaving because I am going to school full-time. That is my official answer for why I am leaving. Usually the follow-up question after I tell them I am going to school is "what are you going into." I say Political Science, they ask if I am going to run for Governor, I say no, we laugh, the end.
So last week I had to go talk to someone about a project I wanted to get done and they happened to be in the CEO's office. The CEO asked me why I was leaving. I gave the answer I had been telling everyone, I am going to school full-time I can finish faster, etc. He asked what I was studying and I said Political Science and then he asked what political party I belonged to. I was not expecting that. I try to not talk politics at work, it leads to fights. In fact at work a couple of months ago there was a heated discussion about health care that I was fortunate to miss. I did not know what to say. Finally I said I was a Democrat. He then asked me why I was a Democrat. I was so uncomfortable. I usually don't have to justify my political leanings at work and especially not to the CEO of the credit union. I was able to sputter out an answer with a lot of uh and ums, but I did it. It was not an eloquent answer, but I was not expecting to have a political discussion with the CEO.
I guess I will have to get used to it. I am going into Political Science and I will have to defend what my positions are. So here is the short answer in case anyone cares. I am a Democrat because I believe that government helps protect people from greedy individuals and corporations what will take advantage of workers and consumers if given the chance. Government sets rules, regulations, and ideally enforcement of rules which protect people. I think that Republican ideals tend to protect businesses instead of people. Most conservative talk radio hosts make me want to throw my radio out the window when I hear them, and I do believe that George W Bush was a horrible President to put it mildly. Also I am not a Communist or a Socialist, I just don't think that big business should rule my life.
I am not going into Political Science to run for office. I have no interest in being in a campaign and having all the dirt about me come to light. Now there is not a lot of dirt, but they can make anything sound bad. I like the study of politic and I am am really interested in international studies right now. I have no idea what I want to be. Right now I am thinking that after my Bachelors I might look into getting my Masters. But right now I am going to focus on just my Bachelors.
So last week I had to go talk to someone about a project I wanted to get done and they happened to be in the CEO's office. The CEO asked me why I was leaving. I gave the answer I had been telling everyone, I am going to school full-time I can finish faster, etc. He asked what I was studying and I said Political Science and then he asked what political party I belonged to. I was not expecting that. I try to not talk politics at work, it leads to fights. In fact at work a couple of months ago there was a heated discussion about health care that I was fortunate to miss. I did not know what to say. Finally I said I was a Democrat. He then asked me why I was a Democrat. I was so uncomfortable. I usually don't have to justify my political leanings at work and especially not to the CEO of the credit union. I was able to sputter out an answer with a lot of uh and ums, but I did it. It was not an eloquent answer, but I was not expecting to have a political discussion with the CEO.
I guess I will have to get used to it. I am going into Political Science and I will have to defend what my positions are. So here is the short answer in case anyone cares. I am a Democrat because I believe that government helps protect people from greedy individuals and corporations what will take advantage of workers and consumers if given the chance. Government sets rules, regulations, and ideally enforcement of rules which protect people. I think that Republican ideals tend to protect businesses instead of people. Most conservative talk radio hosts make me want to throw my radio out the window when I hear them, and I do believe that George W Bush was a horrible President to put it mildly. Also I am not a Communist or a Socialist, I just don't think that big business should rule my life.
I am not going into Political Science to run for office. I have no interest in being in a campaign and having all the dirt about me come to light. Now there is not a lot of dirt, but they can make anything sound bad. I like the study of politic and I am am really interested in international studies right now. I have no idea what I want to be. Right now I am thinking that after my Bachelors I might look into getting my Masters. But right now I am going to focus on just my Bachelors.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The weather finally cooperated!
This year I have had bad luck planning activities. My friends at work planned an outing to Thanksgiving point for over a month for the Tulip Festival and it rained and was cold. So we did not go. The next week Jason and I had to cancel our outing to the Tulip Festival again because of rain. This week we had planned on going to the Living Traditions Festival with some friends. The weather looked like it was not going to cooperate again. Last night it was pouring and I thought great another outing ruined by rain. But amazingly enough the weather was great, we were able to go, and it was super fun. We ate tons of good food from tons of booths. The oddest thing that I ate was Papaya salad. It was spicy and sour. The chicken kabobs that we had from the Pakastani and Thai booths were fantastic. Oh and the vegetable mo mos from the Tibetian booth were fantastic. But there was more then just food, they also had crafts from other cultures. The weaving was amazing. I can't imagine being that patient to be able to do it. They also had a display of Turkish crocheting which was one of my favorite. They had crocheted the edges of towels, bedding, and hankerchiefs. It was so pretty and I know how hard it is is to do that delicate of work so I could really appreciate it. We also saw a demonstration on how to make lemongrass beef, which hopefully Andy will make sometime. Hint Hint. So we are totally going back next year. I have more food to try and I would like to see more of the performances. I am just sad that I forgot my camera and could not take pictures.
So in other news I have 10 weeks left at work. I am getting pretty excited. One because it means that I am starting a new chapter in my life. I have my classes picked out. I had been fip flopping on a couple of different classes and I finally decided. I am taking Constitutional Law, Politics of China, Politics of Mexico, Intro to Enviromental Policy, and Political Anyalsis. I am pretty excited about most of my class and apprehensive. I know it will be good and if I continue to apply myself that it will be fine.
Also we are going on vacation shortly after I get done with work. I am so excited, we are going to the west coast. We are treating the trip like a second honeymoon. We have a romantic hotel room reserved. And I get to see my grandma, we are staying in the town that she lives in. I am looking forward to fresh seafood and salty sea air.
So in other news I have 10 weeks left at work. I am getting pretty excited. One because it means that I am starting a new chapter in my life. I have my classes picked out. I had been fip flopping on a couple of different classes and I finally decided. I am taking Constitutional Law, Politics of China, Politics of Mexico, Intro to Enviromental Policy, and Political Anyalsis. I am pretty excited about most of my class and apprehensive. I know it will be good and if I continue to apply myself that it will be fine.
Also we are going on vacation shortly after I get done with work. I am so excited, we are going to the west coast. We are treating the trip like a second honeymoon. We have a romantic hotel room reserved. And I get to see my grandma, we are staying in the town that she lives in. I am looking forward to fresh seafood and salty sea air.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
School's Out!
My second semester of school is done. I was so glad. I was not terribly interested in my classes, Music and Theater. I know a lot of people love them, I am just not talented in that way. I am content to just listen to a piece of music and think boy that was pretty. I don't need to know what the form is. But now I get a break for three months to catch up on projects that I have been putting off because I was studying.
So there are some changes happening in our household over the next couple of months. The biggest one is that I am quiting my job and going to school full time. I have been thinking about it for awhile. If I go to school full time I can get done with school in 3 semesters. If I work it will take me a lot longer. Finally after waffling back and forth I made my decision. I would take a leap of faith and go to school full time. It is official as of Friday I told my boss that I am quiting July 30th. I know a lot of notice, but I thought they would like to know to find someone to replace me. I was going to wait until the end of the month but I could not wait so I just told her. So I am really nervous to quit my job and just have Jason's income. But I know it will work out. I have decided to take five classes. One is Constitutional Law and I am terrified of that class.
Another change has nothing to do with school, but I am pretty excited about it. I watched the movie Food Inc, which is really good, and realized that I am very ignorant about where my food comes from and how it is processed. So I am making an effort to eat more organic and local. One it is better for me and better for the enviroment. So one of my plans is to can this year. I am hoping that I get enough tomatoes to make tomato juice, tomato sauce, and stewed tomatoes. And I want to try and can peaches, pears, and jam. Today I took my first step. I was visiting my grandma and she gave me all of her empty jars. Next I need to buy a canner. I have never canned before so I am nervous. I have read stories of people's pressure canners exploding and I am afraid of messing up and having exploded tomatoes all over my kitchen. But I will have my dad help me and he is good at that stuff.
So there are some changes happening in our household over the next couple of months. The biggest one is that I am quiting my job and going to school full time. I have been thinking about it for awhile. If I go to school full time I can get done with school in 3 semesters. If I work it will take me a lot longer. Finally after waffling back and forth I made my decision. I would take a leap of faith and go to school full time. It is official as of Friday I told my boss that I am quiting July 30th. I know a lot of notice, but I thought they would like to know to find someone to replace me. I was going to wait until the end of the month but I could not wait so I just told her. So I am really nervous to quit my job and just have Jason's income. But I know it will work out. I have decided to take five classes. One is Constitutional Law and I am terrified of that class.
Another change has nothing to do with school, but I am pretty excited about it. I watched the movie Food Inc, which is really good, and realized that I am very ignorant about where my food comes from and how it is processed. So I am making an effort to eat more organic and local. One it is better for me and better for the enviroment. So one of my plans is to can this year. I am hoping that I get enough tomatoes to make tomato juice, tomato sauce, and stewed tomatoes. And I want to try and can peaches, pears, and jam. Today I took my first step. I was visiting my grandma and she gave me all of her empty jars. Next I need to buy a canner. I have never canned before so I am nervous. I have read stories of people's pressure canners exploding and I am afraid of messing up and having exploded tomatoes all over my kitchen. But I will have my dad help me and he is good at that stuff.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The last two weeks
The last two weeks have been very busy for us. I had to go to a play and a concert for school, so we decided to make a date out of it. Last week we went to Fiddler on the Roof. It was really good. Neither one of us had seen it before. Jason really liked it. Then yesterday we went to Verdi's Requiem. It was fantastic. I was afraid Jason would not like it because there was singing in it. Like opera singing, but he liked it and I loved it. The music was so powerful and the singers were great. I have not really cared for my classes this semester, but one thing that they have taught me is that there are some wonderful events in the city that we need to take advantage of. I think it would be fun to go to an outdoor concert in the summer or go to the symphony again.
Also yesterday we worked on our yard. It was the first time since the fall that we really got out and worked in the yard for a long time. It was amazing how much work there was. I bought a bunch of plants to plant and three hours later I had them all done. I planted some calla lilies, ferns, other green plants that I can't remember the name to now, grass, and some other cute little flowers by the pond. I bought a lavender rose, they are my favorite, to go over with the other roses. Then I planted a little herb garden over by one of my trees. I mostly did it because the plants smell good and look pretty. I am not used to all that yard work. I was a little sore last night and today.
So I know that my blog is sort of turning into a blog about my yard. It is suppose to be an adoption blog, so I guess I will do an update on our adoption. Well there is nothing really to update. I would be lying if I said I was not a little frustrated. We said that when it got to two years that we would start considering other adoption agencies. Well a couple of months ago we started to look and nothing felt right. We felt like we should stay on the same course that we have been on. I have been trying to learn more about adoption through reading blogs and other sites. I have decided that I should not do that anymore. There are some blogs that are great and I follow them because the birthmoms have good stories. But most of them are negative and some of them are very mean. I started to notice that I just felt more and more negative when I read them.
Both Jason and I have felt like we have prepared as much as we can right now for the adoption and we just need to leave it in the Lord's hands and have faith that it will work out. So I think that I have to just focus on other things like school, getting stuff done around my house and figuring out what I want to do about work. I have not made a decision on what to do next semester for school and if I should go full time or not. If I go full time I will have to go part-time at work or quit. So I need to decide what I want to do pretty soon.
Also yesterday we worked on our yard. It was the first time since the fall that we really got out and worked in the yard for a long time. It was amazing how much work there was. I bought a bunch of plants to plant and three hours later I had them all done. I planted some calla lilies, ferns, other green plants that I can't remember the name to now, grass, and some other cute little flowers by the pond. I bought a lavender rose, they are my favorite, to go over with the other roses. Then I planted a little herb garden over by one of my trees. I mostly did it because the plants smell good and look pretty. I am not used to all that yard work. I was a little sore last night and today.
So I know that my blog is sort of turning into a blog about my yard. It is suppose to be an adoption blog, so I guess I will do an update on our adoption. Well there is nothing really to update. I would be lying if I said I was not a little frustrated. We said that when it got to two years that we would start considering other adoption agencies. Well a couple of months ago we started to look and nothing felt right. We felt like we should stay on the same course that we have been on. I have been trying to learn more about adoption through reading blogs and other sites. I have decided that I should not do that anymore. There are some blogs that are great and I follow them because the birthmoms have good stories. But most of them are negative and some of them are very mean. I started to notice that I just felt more and more negative when I read them.
Both Jason and I have felt like we have prepared as much as we can right now for the adoption and we just need to leave it in the Lord's hands and have faith that it will work out. So I think that I have to just focus on other things like school, getting stuff done around my house and figuring out what I want to do about work. I have not made a decision on what to do next semester for school and if I should go full time or not. If I go full time I will have to go part-time at work or quit. So I need to decide what I want to do pretty soon.
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