Having faith is hard

So some people already know about this but I felt I should write about it for our blog. Last week we got a call about a birthmom. Not from our agency. A lady that I work with called me to say that her daughter had thought about us and knew of a birthmom who might be interested in us. Her daughter helps birthmoms find families. I called her and found out that the birthmom wanted to look at prospective adoptive parents' profiles. She could not tell us a lot about the birthmom, just that she was looking to do a private adoption. Jason and I have talked about private adoption before but felt more comfortable going through an agency. I told her I would talk to Jason and we would think about it.


I called Jason and told him what was going on so he could think about it before he came home. I told him that my first impression was not to do it. Luckily it was my early day so I could come home and think about what to do. On one hand this was an opportunity. There was no guarantee that the birthmom would pick us, but we would never know unless we tried. On the other hand we knew almost nothing about private adoption, we did not have a lawyer, and I felt it was almost dishonest to say that we were willing to adopt privately when we were not ready. The most important thing was if it was the right thing to do. Throughout our adoption journey the most important thing to both Jason and I has been following what we felt was right to do.


I knew what the right thing to do was. This was not the right path for us, but I wanted it to be so badly that I had a hard time accepting it. I wanted to find any reason to discount the feelings that I had and tell Jason this is what we are supposed to do and get our profile to the woman who had contacted me. I always thought that when the right opportunity to adopt happened that I would be so ecstatic, but instead all I wanted to do was cry. I kept thinking how can this be right if I feel like this?


Well we decided not to do it of course and I know we made the right decision even though it was really hard. It is hard to say no to something that is everything that you have wanted for so long. I have to admit that having faith is not my strong suit. I want to know what is going to happen, but I am trying to have faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us and that we will adopt when the time is right. I see how happy our friends are with their wonderful children and I can't help but wonder when we will get to exprience that. I am not trying to sound like I am complaining. In fact I have so many things to be grateful for. I have so many blessings and my life is really wonderful. I thought maybe I should write about our experience last week and my struggles because maybe it will help someone else who is going through the same thing. I know how hard the unknown can be. I know that for me sometimes reading the experiences of others has made me feel better.